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Retreating the Company to the Country

Company retreats make me nervous. Not afraid- I can handle a bit of socialization with work people- but I’m always a bit wary of people acting out and then having to be around them when we get back to a normal working environment with that hanging over us. Last year we went to Philip Island and mostly had a great time, except on the final night when Sharon had just a little bit too much to drink. One thing led to another, there was dancing and tables and…well, it got a lot worse from there. Then she came into work on Monday and didn’t speak to anyone for weeks. And she was usually so quiet…

So this year, we’re heading off to regional Victoria! There’s a conference venue that Dan managed to find, and it’s sort of focused on the process of detox. No heavy drinking, no smoking areas or slot machines. There are normal-looking conference rooms, but otherwise, everyone has the option to engage in relaxing activities in their spare time. So things like floatation tanks, isolation tanks, oxygen tanks…there are more things that aren’t tanks, hang on. Yep, got the brochure…there’s a squash court, a meditation room, a pool-sized hot tub, sauna, actual pool-pool, yoga classes and a whole bunch of other things that help people to really calm down. Of course, the juice bar is included. In terms of a corporate getaway, I think we’ve hit the nail on the head of something that’s safe, yet still enjoyable for everyone. We can spend our mornings learning about business strategy, and then nip off to the reiki room to…do whatever it is you do in a reiki room. I’m not big into that stuff, but there is morning tai-chi at 5:30am sharp, which I’m looking forward to.

For once, we’ve actually found a convention centre that minimises the risk of incidents. Hopefully. Though people can really get aggressive during squash games, so I’ve heard.

-Mack

Now in a Tree Stump Conference…for Some Reason

So…Sandrine sent us on a conference. Seems a bit weird, since ‘Responsible Laying of Asphalt and Other Varieties of Bitumen’ doesn’t seem relevant to what we do as a company, but she said that there will be parts we’ll find very interesting and helpful, especially when they start to incorporate Brisbane’s methods of land clearing to lay the way for driveways and car parks. I don’t really like leaving the office when there’s so much work to be done, but…well, it’s a free trip to Brisbane, flying business class. Stepping inside a plane always puts me on edge- you’re in a metal box where a quick escape is a complicated matter of stitching together a makeshift parachute and flinging yourself out of the nearest open exit- but it’s not the longest of flights.

And now I get to see Brisbane again. Brisbane and its perfectly clean, clear streets because they’re mad on keeping the place clean, like it’s some kind of tyrannical dystopia. Trust me, I’ve seen dystopia…it looks nothing like this. Though the flawless asphalt jobs combined with tree removal and the lack of rubbish really do make the place look spick and span, as Sandrine would say. Not sure why she didn’t just book herself in for the conference, since she loves things being neat and tidy and learning about how trees are lopped perfectly to create a suburban paradise seems like the type of thing that would totally be into. Of course, I know exactly what she’s doing…I just don’t want to put it in writing. Maybe I’ll take some pictures of the streets and their perfect lack of pot holes and send them back to her. Sort of like holiday snaps, but ones she’ll appreciate.

Actually, this trip won’t be a bad time for some reconnaissance. I’m here, my fellow employees are involved in enjoying the sights of Brisbane and I don’t have the normal office obligations. Maybe I’ll have a look around, see if there’s anything relevant to the mission. Well, at least I can get some tips on how Brisbane gets its firewood, it seems like people just get them by government mandate. Makes tires last longer, I suppose. Among other things.

-Mack

Asphalt, Trees, Oxygen, Same Thing

I don’t often get bored, because I’m pretty fond of learning new things. But when it came to that Asphalt conference…phew, too much even for me. We had to sit through twelve modules, each at least forty-five minutes long, and all of them focused on laying asphalt in a specific location. Car parks, play parks, driveways…and the person taking the course had a hypnotic voice. Not in the good way; the ‘sends you right to sleep’ way.

So I snuck out, to my shame. I’d learned everything I could, and I knew there were other courses going on at the venue. Didn’t take me long before I came across the course on how to operate a hyperbaric chamber. Melbourne has these, because a few of my co-workers have said that they kind of like being inside them. It helps with your health, relaxation and the general healing process. So they’re curious machines, but here was a class teaching how to use them. It was a far better option than sticking around to hear about module 11: laying asphalt over a dirt road, is I illegitimately joined the class. I have to say, I’m not really keen on using oxygen therapy myself. That’s partially due to the fact that I’m healthy and don’t really need it (I get all my oxygen from breathing), but also the climbing inside and being shut in. I’m not claustrophobic, just cautious. I suppose if something went wrong I could just break out- they’re not designed as prisons- but I don’t really feel like putting myself in there anyway. Not until I have a genuine injury that needs healing.

But now, because the alternative was going back to learn about more asphalt, I know how to handle and operate a chamber for hyperbaric therapy. Places in Melbourne could be hiring; maybe I’ll look for a job. Except no, I’m not leaving everyone with Sandrine…

-Mack

A crazy lady’s last will and testament

My neighbour passed away. You’re never going to believe this but she actually gave me power of attorney. I didn’t even know about it. And now that she’s dead, I get a letter in the mail saying that I’m the executor of her estate. I was like, what the heck? This crazy old lady I’m not even related to has written me into her last will and testament, Melbourne grannies are crazy, that’s all I know.

Come to think of it, she did have a soft spot for me. On weekends, she’d knock on my door at the crack of dawn. I’d stumble out of bed, crotchety as all hell for being woken up, and find her standing there with a plate full of muffins and a cup of hot cocao. She was annoying, but it was pretty hard to hold a grudge when she was trying so hard to be sweet. Other times she’d invite herself in at the worst times, like when I had a girl waiting for me, and offer to help out around the home by doing the dishes (typical bachelor pad over here). Boy was I red faced when I re-emerged from the bedroom, to find her standing in front of a sparkling kitchen and having to introduce her to the girl on her way out.

The mad old bat was a sweetheart that’s for sure. So I feel that I owe her at least my very best effort at this executor thing. While I have no experience in these matters, I find I can pick up pretty much any skill that I put my mind to (this blog attests to that). Estate planning near Melbourne can’t be so hard, can it? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to do it myself. I’ll surely seek legal advice from an attorney. But there is only so much an attorney can do. And that’s where I step in.

An unexpected win

Well, I don’t know exactly how this has happened, but I’ve managed to win a prize. No, don’t worry. It’s not a scam. I checked that quite thoroughly, I would not enjoy being taken in by someone’s attempt to wheedle my credit card information out of me. This is real. A friend or family member or perhaps even my university faculty or something has entered a competition to attend a conference in a to be decided venue in Victoria and I have won. Good on me.

It’s not that I mind, particularly, going to a conference. Don’t think that because it simply isn’t true. Rather, it wasn’t something I had originally factored into my outline of the next month, and I generally resent having to change my schedule around unforeseen events. At the same time, however, this kind of opportunity makes for a wonderful experience. I’ve managed a quick glance at the list of speakers, and several are extremely inspirational. In may ways, it would be an honour to get to hear them speak. But at the same time, there are still so many question marks around the conference in general.

Firstly, as the location is, as yet, still undecided, the question of time looms over the event. How long will it go for? I’ve seen the shortlist for possible conference venues and they’re all in regional Victoria, so obviously there will be some level of travel associated with it. How long will it take to get there? What costs are associated with the trip in its entirety? Who else will be on the trip? Perhaps, if I knew exactly who would entered me in the competition, it would be easier to ascertain who my peers would be, but as it stands, it could be for anyone. It’s even unclear what the subject matter is.

In theory, such an opportunity of this is the chance of a lifetime, but the reality is I instinctively recoil from something I know so little about. I may just have to walk away from this one.

A More Affable Office

If you really take a step back and look at what’s going on in this office, you’d probably get confused really quickly. It’s hard to keep up, because on one hand you’ve got the boss’ PA who basically runs the place behind his back and is trying to turn us all into drones, and then there’s Jared the fun captain (or something) who is actually doing a good job at the exact opposite. He’s such a nice guy, I don’t think he realises how much Sandrine is constantly giving him daggers from across the office. I have to hand it to him; the place WAS dull before he got here, if really efficient. Now we all have our magnetic name badges, special meetings and then there’s that wall where we all write down something we’re striving for and the office does their best to make it happen, once per month.

The name badges were pretty great, though. Even I didn’t notice that was something missing, and here I was toiling outside with landscaping and all that. Nope, we just needed to know each other’s names. I guess I really fall short a little bit when it comes to really getting down to personal relationships, because I feel like it’s something I should’ve seen a bit sooner. If I’m going to be a leader one day…well, I know I’m going to be a leader one day. You can’t just be barking orders and ordering tactical strikes; it’s all in the smallest little details that keep morale going in the face of overwhelming odds.

Sorry, what was I saying? Anyway, yeah, custom name badges. I made mine a kind of gold-yellow, since I feel like I can work with that colour. It’s nice how we all have something that unites us, even if it’s just that little bit different. Jason might not be the fun captain the office expected, but he sure is the one it needed. Now I just have to keep a lookout, because by the looks of things, Sandrine is way too close to snapping and flying across the desk, talons bared. That woman, seriously…

-Mack

My sisters exhibitionistic ice skating

kids party venues My sister has always been the biggest exhibitionist. When we were kids she always outshone me with her flailing antics and histrionics. She was always the centre of attention. While I was the quiet talented ‘silent-achiever’ she was making a big hoo-ha about every minor accomplishment. And you know when people do this, sadly, they’re rather successful. Basically, it’s all style no substance.

Now that she has kids, she still has to be the centre of attention, from parent-teacher interviews to kids party venues. I mean, she booked an ice skating rink in Melbourne for her daughter’s birthday and then stole the whole show. She was trying to act like a figure skater which obviously looked totally idiotic. But she was loving it. She thought she the hottest thing splaying those legs into the air, twirling around like an epileptic clown ballerina. In the meantime, her daughter stood by looking ashamed, embarrassed to admit that was her mother.

Since that day, she really grew a big head. Now she wants to return to the ice skating rink to book function rooms. Melbourne has some a couple of ice skating rinks around Docklands area which is not too far from her work. She told her boss that it would be a really good way to get the team to bond through some team-building activities, and of course he lapped it up, little realising she had ulterior motives. All she really wants to do is get back into those skates and imagine she’s the black swan again.

I hope she gets some lessons or something. If she’s going to persist in subjecting people to her exhibitionism and hideous displays of self-aggrandizement,the least she could do is a bit of training. You never know, he may have a knack
for these things. Meanwhile, my parents still don’t know that I exist since she invited them to watch her skate and they totally forgot about the restaurant I’d booked for them to meet my new girlfriend. Such is life.

Sadly skilled at signwriting

signwriters When I was in high school I was damn good at art. I had good perspective and could replicate images with only the use of my eyes and a pencil. I also had the creative impulse to create weird and wonderful drawings and paintings from the imagination, so it wasn’t just realism. These early talents have haunted me to this day as I frequently get asked for all sorts of arts and crafts favours. I mean, I’ll meet someone at a party who needs a designer for their business logo and then my friend will blurt out that I’m really good at art. Or I’ll get a call from someone I haven’t seen in fifteen years asking me if I can provide some art for their living room. It’s pretty ridiculous.

People just don’t understand the difference between art and graphic design and even other things which are totally different like signwriting. My cousin recently called me about her business saying that she remembered how good I was at drawing as a teenager and would I please help her create some signage for her business. I was like, “Come on, woman! Can’t you call the signwriters in Melbourne! I don’t know the first thing about making signs.”

Signwriting, like art, is a whole thing in and of itself. There are all different types of signs from banners to office signs and window frosting. This is not a task that an amateur can do! Even though I’d probably be really good at it and pick it up straight away, because unfortunately I’m cursed with the skill of being good at everything – even so, I have a life to live, people, and I want some space.

What my cousin wanted specifically was a vinyl wrap. Melbourne businesses use decals for their cars in order to attract attention to the business. I have her a recommendation for a signwriter and sent her on her way.

Tech Students Deserve Respect

protest Had to deal with a minor protest today. They were actually blocking my way to work, and while on a motorbike I can usually just dodge around people, they were protesting just a few blocks down from our office. That means that OTHER people would be late, and that would lead to a loss of productivity, and so you can see why I had to put a stop to things.

I’m still a bit unsure what it was about, mostly because they themselves didn’t need to know. One guy was holding a sign that said ‘Melbourne App Design Courses Deserve Respect!’ but someone else was holding another sign that read ‘Down With App Design!’

So they don’t really seem like they’d go together. Eventually I managed to work out that the building was a tech start-up that had been developing custom apps, but they’d been accused of hacking into the university database and stealing prototype apps that students had submitted for assignments. The police had dismissed the case, but a lot of the students were still angry that their work was being commercialised. Whether or not any of it was true was another matter entirely, but I had to clear the blockage. So I did, with a bit of a rousing speech that came out of nowhere…I just have the right words to say sometimes, I guess. Still, I kept thinking about the case for the rest of the day. Apparently there were also web and software design templates stolen. I looked into the start-up and they seemed pretty clean. But then I looked into the website set up by the students, and it all looked a bit shady.

I’m no internet justice warrior person, but no student should have their future stolen away and used for profit. So I might have…ah, aroused a bit of affirmative action on some select forums. Pretty soon, all the best web development course students from across the world were looking into the case and signing a petition. And just like that, the start-up’s website vanished and was replaced by something that didn’t look quite as good…but at least they made it themselves.

-Mack

Dreams of Being Captain

cruiser I used to own a boat, back when I was…busier. It was just a rickety thing, enough for getting out in the ocean and that’s about where the usefulness ended. Often I had to fight just to make it back to dry land, but…it was mine. And that was okay, for the time. Then I started working at the docks, and I was seeing a whole load of boats bigger than mine. I’d just moved to Melbourne and marine stainless steel fabrication was all around me, while on the other side of the docks some people were inserting the outer plates into a massive cruise ship. Suddenly my little dinghy didn’t seem like much at all. I was also very suddenly well into the idea of getting my own ship. As in, being the captain.

Bit of a silly dream, but I did learn to love the sea after a bit, and I sort of felt like I could actually achieve something like this. Anyway, I became the boss of the place I was working pretty quickly. I think the old boss had to leave and they thought I seemed like I knew what I was doing…anyway, it was no big deal. I began to learn about how ships are made, because in that industry you just can’t help it while on the job. I talked to sea captains, skippers, sailors, steel fabricators and anyone I could. I asked about the prime types of wood and/or steel for a bow rail, the best types of metal for propellers, even how to hoist a mainsail. While running the business, I was run off my feet…so it took me a bit longer than usual to master sailing a ship-building.

Anyway, I was done in about three weeks, since I did spend a day or two improving the company tax strategy. Could’ve cut it down to two weeks or so, but maybe I slacked off. It doesn’t matter: I was ready to be the captain of my own vessel. Wow, I was stupid when I was young, just getting carried away by thoughts of bow rails and the open sea…and then I never made it in the end. I was kept busy by some other stuff. Important stuff.

-Mack